Inner Notes from
'STILL NOT BLACK ENOUGH'
by BLACKIE LAWLESS
W.A.S.P. fans are unique in the sense that they appear to be, for whatever reason, willing to allow me to take them on a life long journey. You are interested in taking a walk through my mind on a regular basis as I am with you, and you better believe that I am keenly aware that this very special relationship exists.
Although I do not consider this a "conceptual" record, there are some common threads that run through-out the piece. This record picks up where the 'Crimson Idol' left off. I had stated on numerous occasions that the 'Crimson Idol' had taken me on a bizarre journey, one that I wasn't sure I wanted to repeat any time soon. But the journey goes on. Not one of a suicidal icon, but of myself, and when I look back on that record I see far more similarities between Jonathan and myself that I would have ever allowed myself to believe at the time I wrote it. Naive as it may sound, it's true. I was hiding behind Jonathan, because I didn't want to admit it to myself, much less the rest of the world.
When I finished 'Crimson' I was crazy as a 'shit house rat', I hid it pretty well from everyone, but the experience of making that record all but put me away, indefinitely! Dealing with the demons of one's past is not always a pleasant thing to contend with. It wasn't until the tour was over, and I could see that night after night, not only at the shows, but even more so afterwards when I would talk to many of you and you would go into detail how that record not only affected your life but it was your life. I realised that I was in the same boat with many of you, and when the tour was over, I came back to L.A. I was standing on the balcony of my hotel room. It was about 3am, and I swear, it was like every face and every conversation I had from the tour where people had poured their hearts out to be came crashing down on me. It was like I was completely surrounded and all the voices crying out at me all at once. I stood there and cried and screamed at the top of my lungs, something I had not done since my mother died 15 years ago. I felt like an animal in a trap, wailing from his agony (I later realised that's exactly what I was) with no way to get out. I don't remember much after that.
Born out of that experience was new insight into myself. As the songs 'I Can't' (recorded for these new sessions), "I'm one bizarre motherfucker", I am truly the strangest person I know (if you don't believe me, just ask anyone who knows me well). On one hand, I have this very gentle nature, which enables me to write songs like 'Breathe', 'Forever Free' and things like that, but... there's another side of me. Angry, pissed off, but moreover than that, extremely dark and moody and as black as the ace of spades. I used to tell people when they asked "How did you get the name Blackie?", it was because of my hair, but looking back, I think I chose it because it best describes the dominant side of me.
Trying to be inside me (or around me) is sometimes very tough (ask above mentioned people) 'cause I ain't no day at the beach!
I am a very 'angry songwriter', which is to say, I write best when I'm angry about something (or someone: see 'Chainsaw Charlie', 'Ballcrusher', etc.) and out of the aforementioned experience comes 'Still Not Black Enough', etc. The nightmares of a lifetime have surfaced in the last few years and though I don't always like what I see, this is how I deal with it.
What the fuck makes me tick? I don't know, I'm still searching.